23 august 2004.956 pm reviews of some of the books i have read this summer, written in the author's voice, in 3 sentences or less. SPOILED PRIEST: THE FRANK AND SHOCKING CONFESSIONS OF AN EX-PRIEST by gabriel longo - "the most shocking thing i ever did was question my faith in god, and maybe a little dryhumping at the seminary. this was a huge deal in 1966, but now you realise i'm better behaved than most priests today." ROSEMARY'S BABY by ira levin - "everyone you know is involved in satanic plots against you. after you read my horrifying novel, bask in the delight of nightmares about your neighbors and how they secretly rape you at night!" COOL GARDENS by serj tankian - "i'm the lead singer of system of a down, but i branched out to writing crappy poetry in books that have giant sketches of vaginas in them. predictable, no?" MY LIFE AS A WOMAN by roseanne barr - "i used to be a hippie, and then i got really into jewish mysticism. too bad all the feminist stuff i said has ultimately been negated by all my facelifts." SEX, DRUGS, AND COCOA PUFFS: A LOW CULTURE MANIFESTO by chuck klosterman - "i start out the book with an amazing essay on why billy joel's 'glass houses' is one of the best albums ever, but then i just fucking lay into you with an entire chapter dedicated to shitty movies i thought were awesome, not limited to but including 'vanilla sky,' 'waking life,' and 'existenz.' i'm a tool. spin magazine r00lz." SAY YOU LOVE SATAN by david st clair - "what do you mean i took 'creative liberties' with the details? don't most satan worshipping kids in long island take mescaline and pcp several times a day?" THE BASIC DIANETICS PICTURE BOOK: A VISUAL AID TO A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF MAN AND THE MIND taken from the works of l ron hubbard - "AHAHAHAHA I AM L RON I SLEEP IN GIANT PILES OF MONEY SCIENTOLOGY MAKES SO SENSE, NOT EVEN IN PICTURE FORM, BUT PEOPLE LOVE IT AHAHAHAHA!!" please, for the love of christ, recommend me some books to read.