7 april 2004.134 am

things i dislike about the house im housesitting:

*they have way too much health food. today i thought i was biting into a delicious hot dog, and then i realised that it wasnt made of delectable hog anuses, but soy. if youve never had a meatless hot dog, you can grind up some cardboard and mix it with mayonnaise and caulking, and meatless hot dogs taste 1000x worse than that.

*i'm downstairs 90% of the time, and the downstairs bathroom is one of those very tiny ones that only has a toilet directly across from the sink, so youre forced to look at yourself in the mirror while you pee. if you can think of the proper expression to use while peeing, please do tell, because i havent figured it out.

*the cat is 17 years old and its favorite activities are falling in the toilet [possibly from shock at looking at the mirror and seeing itself, i'm not sure] and meowing incredibly loudly for no apparent reason. when i go to bed, she starts screaming and circling my head; whether to steal my breath, trample my face down for a sleeping spot, or to find the perfect spot to spray urine on my head, i haven't lagged enough to find out. i immediately shove her down to the end of the bed while screaming "SHUT UP!" and after only about 6 or 10 of those does she shut up.

things i really enjoy about the house i'm housesitting:

*they have one of those fireplaces that you turn on with a switch. best idea ever! effortless fire! amazing!

*it took a while to sink in, but the bedroom they told me to sleep in has a big sexy bed and soundproofed walls. sex dungeon much?? i can finally put the vinyl heels and the riding crop to good use.

*they left me cash and told me it was okay to have a party. now everyone can bring over their riding crops and fetish shoes! they also said i can eat whatever i find in the house, so i took this to include leftover vicodin i found in the medicine cabinet.

hire me as your housesitter! i keep the snooping through your stuff to a minimum.