24 january 2005.130 pm

disgusting things i have seen on tv lately:

1. i was watching animal planet's "MOST EXTREME," which is totally worth watching for the scary cgi animation, and the countdown was something like "MOST EXTREME GROSS ANIMALS," and the #4 most revolting animal was [brace yourself] a koala bear. i know, it sounds like a filthy lie that the bastards at animal planet made up to destroy our souls since koalas are SO FREAKIN CUTE, but apparently what no one ever talks about is when koala babies are born, they dont have the bacteria in their bodies that are necessary to digest eucalyptus, so the mama koala makes bacteria and feeds to her baby.. and it all comes directly out of her ass. any dreams of hugging koalas are now permanently crushed. forever.

2. one of the very few episodes of maury that isnt "I AM 7000% SURE ONE OF THESE EIGHT MEN IS MY BABY DADDY, PT 2" is usually called something like "CRAZY AND SEXY SHIT ON TAPE" which is sort of like america's funniest home videos, but not as good. one of the weirdos they always have on [besides joey greco. they always show a clip from the episode of "cheaters" where joey greco gets stabbed because that is one of the Great Moments in Television] is this douchebag named brian bates, who calls himself the video vigilante. he says he is trying to stop prostitution in oklahoma city by videotaping them "at work," but honestly all he's doing is sneaking up on people and videotaping them having sex in their car, and i'm pretty sure that's creepy and perverted. two things i would like to know from mr brian bates: 1. how many times have you surprised people to only find out that there wasnt any prostitution, just good clean car fucking? i'm guessing a lot. and 2. how many times a day do you masturbate to the videos you make? i'm guessing a lot.

3. on some news show i saw some anti-same sex marriage advocates speaking out against [surprisingly enough!] same sex marriages, and they gave all the regular reasons why god hates fags and so on, but then they presented the most amazingly ridiculous argument for anything i have ever heard: we have to outlaw gay marriage because if america lets homosexuals marry, the birthrate will come to a screeching halt and babies wont be born anymore. i am probably less informed than i think i am, but i'm almost positive that everything about that argument is wrong.

4. i was watching telemundo with my pal rosa, who rules. i should really talk about rosa more often. watching mexican tv is always funny even though i can only catch about 5% of what is actually going on, but when rosa's around i make her translate it for me. during a commercial break for a "like mtv's the grind at the beach but with mariachi" type show there was an ad for a "real tv" type show [but in spanish, of course. i bet that show is awesome] and they showed the usual buildings exploding and car chases, but then there was a woman holding a cat upright on her lap, which i found to be enigmatic. it wasnt an exceptional cat - or so i thought until rosa explained, nonchalantly, "theyre asking the cat predictions for the new year, the cat's psychic and it has something to do with its butthole." rosa might be trying to trick me, but thats still incredible. does anyone know about psychic cat buttholes?

sorry for all the potty humor. in other news, i am sick with a sinus infection and i considered cutting off my head to alleviate the sinus pressure, until i realised i would probably die. oh well.