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11 december 2004.903 pm dear helen from cambridge, friday morning i woke up and there was a package from amazon.com waiting for me. because of the shitty turns my life has been taking lately, i assumed that amazon mistakenly charged stuff to my account [it's happened before, you internet superstore bastards] and if anyone charges anything over $24.63 i will be overdrawn for the 7000th time and wells fargo will send customer service representatives to anally gang rape me [gang rape me anally? its awkward either way], thus making my credit and my anus horribly ruined by amazon.com, and i would not be surprised one bit. NOT ONE BIT. so i took a deep breath, tightened my sphincter, and was very, very happy to see it was a present [slackjaw by jim knipfel] for no reason, which are the best kind of presents ever! it totally made my day. love,
when i received your "stuff by duff lip balm 3 pack [with FREE MAGNET]" as a crazy late birthday present, i was very pleased. finally, i can rub things on my face that have pictures of your face on them! upon opening the package, i noticed that the labels on the lipsticks and the picture on the magnet [which i initially thought was a slammer, or even just a pog. that's a great idea! duff pogs! i would have been stoked!] weren't on very straight and even had air bubbles! on one of the lipsticks it looks like you have a big goiter or something! after i got over that speedbump of disappointment, i tried each of the three flavors and was instantly hurtled into the Giant Wall of Broken Dreams. the purple tasted sort of like dimetapp elixir, but not as good, and the blue! is the blue supposed to taste like liquid soap from a public restroom? anyway. i thought the pink was okay, and then i started to like it, and then i started to really enjoy it, and now i think it must be morphine flavored because i want to suck it like a nipple all the time.
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